Company Policy Effective August 2009

Dress Code

1. It is advised that U come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see U wearing Prada shoes & carrying a Gucci bag,! we assume U are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise.

2. If U dress poorly, U need to learn to manage your money better, so that U buy nicer clothes, & therefore U do not need a raise.

3. If U dress just right, U are right where U need to be & therefore U do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If U are able to go to the doctor, U are able to come to work.

Annual Leave

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing U can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow U to work through your lunch hour & subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, & a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank U for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation & input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

Prison Vs. Work

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside Bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers.

So why is it, again, that we work?

Ingleees!!!

Please go thru this at your own risk cos if you forget English after reading this and lose your job, I won't assume any responsibility.

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Teamwork always works!!

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If opportunity doesn't knock, make one

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Who does it belong to?

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in theUnited Nations Assembly that made the world community smile...

A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want totell you something about a rishi named Kashyapa of Kashmir (Kashyapa,son of Marichi, son of Brahma), after whom Kashmir is named.

When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What agood opportunity to have a bath.' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted todress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'

The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What areyou talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there at that time.'

The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have madethat clear, I will begin my speech.'"................And they say Kashmir belongs to them."

Similarities between Lincoln and Kennedy

PURE COINCIDENCE?? YOU BE THE JUDGE!

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

AND HERE'S THE KICKER:

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.