Another reason why the concept of God came to existence is God is an outlet to most of people. At the end of the day, humans should stop worrying about the next day, strip all their worries and keep it aside just like a shirt in the coat stand. It will be clear if I give you an example. All of us have come through learning to ride a bicycle. You may notice that when you believe/trust that the person teaching you is holding the cycle, you tend to drive it without fear. But most of times the person won't be holding and you would have already started driving with ease.
This is the very concept of God. Till the age of 15, we don't know to distinguish between do's and don'ts. So, in order to shape us up till that age and to restrict us from getting into bad habits, to teach us the morals of life, loving each other, to give us the confidence that someone will be always there to save us, till you get the self confidence to face the life yourself and take up the challenges, the concept of God is being used. This is just like a child, who is just learning to walk, holding the wall till the legs become strong enough and till he gets the right balance to walk. Once he is able to walk freely, he forgets the wall.
So, am I still opposing the concept of God which anyways is for the right purpose? The answer is both yes and no. While I am not against the concept, what I am against is the way humans take it. Well, what do you expect God to do even if he is real? Come to your doorstep, hold your finger and make you do a cakewalk in each and every stage of your life? We forget the power within ourselves and run to God for each and everything. As I already told you, modern day humans are far more intelligent than our ancestors. If they were able to build out this whole world from rocks and mountains and rough seas, invent medicines, define the cosmos, discover the universe, can't you handle your problems yourself? Do you think your problem is greater than splitting the atom or defining gravity and the quantum? Do you still think that you face the biggest problems in life and you need an Almighty to solve those tiny problems?
How many of you watch Discovery and National Geographic Channels? If you look at the life span of any animal and tiny insect, you can note that all of them are taken care by their mothers' only up to a certain age and after that, they have to fight for their food, their habitat, their territory and even sex life. But we, humans, accustomed to taken care by our parents till their death, still count on their insurance premiums even after their deaths, follow the same concept with God. So, if you still want God to guide throughout your life, then you should accept honestly that you are nothing when compared to the insects and reptiles, rats and cockroaches. There is no need to boast that you have the superior sixth sense.
What I am trying to say is by the name of God, we forget that this whole world was built only by humans (even if the Earth as it is, crude form of mountains and seas was created by God) and we have all the power within ourselves. Of course, we need the concept of God but that is to a certain extent only and we should not underestimate the caliber and potential of ourselves and look out for a super hero, a savior each and every time.
I would like to conclude by saying even if God exists, let him exist. Let him be minding his business of creation and destruction, and it's our business to lead our lives ourselves and there is no need for God in it.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Exploring the Concept GOD - V
Have you all ever wondered why all Superior Gods of all religions are only males? Of course, there are female deities but none of them are portrayed as superior to male. All the female characters in the mythologies are portrayed as sufferers or those who take pain with pleasure, be it Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene, Goddess of Earth, Draupadi, Seetha, so on and so forth. Why Eve alone is blamed for expulsion from the Garden of Eden when both Adam and Eve ate the fruit? According to the Bible, for her share in the transgression, Eve (and womankind after her) is sentenced to a life of sorrow and travail in childbirth, and to be under the power of her husband. Don't you get it? Male society was, is and will always be chauvinistic and all these Holy Books were written by humans -- a male chauvinistic society.
Theists have always cited reincarnation as the evidence for the existence of God. Okay, now let's see. According to all God believers, reincarnation goes like this. Being good gives you a better life in the next birth, and being a human is considered the superior of all the creations. Now, if you were to believe the mythologies, God created the whole world with plants, insects, animals, and humans. Now what should a soul that was born as a tiger should do to be born as a human in the next birth? Should it be a vegetarian throughout its life? So, is that soul destined to be born as an animal throughout its cycle till it reaches God? What harm can a snail do to anyone and so, is it guaranteed that that soul will be created as a human in the next life?
The concept of reincarnation is a respite for good people who suffer throughout their life, so that they don't lose faith in life and it's a warning for people who continue to commit sins so that they would fear punishment. But punishments have always been a problem for theists. Hinduism advocated punishments for each and every sin committed and hence Buddhism spun off of Hinduism, which preached forgiveness. This is one of the reasons people from various religions converted to Christianity during colonial era. If you note, Christianity and Buddhism are the largest religions of the world because it preaches clemency against sins. So, is it that you believe in God or you choose/want a God that suits your lifestyle?
Theists have always cited reincarnation as the evidence for the existence of God. Okay, now let's see. According to all God believers, reincarnation goes like this. Being good gives you a better life in the next birth, and being a human is considered the superior of all the creations. Now, if you were to believe the mythologies, God created the whole world with plants, insects, animals, and humans. Now what should a soul that was born as a tiger should do to be born as a human in the next birth? Should it be a vegetarian throughout its life? So, is that soul destined to be born as an animal throughout its cycle till it reaches God? What harm can a snail do to anyone and so, is it guaranteed that that soul will be created as a human in the next life?
The concept of reincarnation is a respite for good people who suffer throughout their life, so that they don't lose faith in life and it's a warning for people who continue to commit sins so that they would fear punishment. But punishments have always been a problem for theists. Hinduism advocated punishments for each and every sin committed and hence Buddhism spun off of Hinduism, which preached forgiveness. This is one of the reasons people from various religions converted to Christianity during colonial era. If you note, Christianity and Buddhism are the largest religions of the world because it preaches clemency against sins. So, is it that you believe in God or you choose/want a God that suits your lifestyle?
Exploring the Concept GOD - IV
Okay. Now, do theists really believe in the God? Yes? Okay, let me add a phrase to the question, do you really believe in God or just the God of your religion? Let me explain. Hypothetically speaking, God, let's say, Allah comes in front of us today and proves to the point that he is the one and only God. How many of you Hindus and Christians are ready to convert to Islam the moment Allah proves it? Same goes with the case of Jesus of Christianity or Rama of Hinduism. Will you, hardcore religious followers convert to a different religion if it's proven that it's the only true religion? So, now, do we really believe in God or do we just believe our religions?
Another hypothetical situation; if your beloved God comes in front of you today, asks you to leave all your possessions and wealth, and continue living, says he will be taking care of you from the next day, will you be ready to do it? Even if you are going to believe he is the God, I can bet that you won't do it.
So, exactly what God for us is a bodyguard, a watchman at the gates of our lives, who should take care of all the sorrows entering our life. Humans, always foolishly self-centered, start abusing their very Almighty if they start facing problems in their lives. Funny, isn’t it?
So, am I trying to prove that I'm the most brilliant person in the world by denying the existence of God and putting to shame everything written in the Holy books? No. I'm just trying to explain that God is just a concept, not a super power, a misunderstood concept. You can look into all the Holy books and the morals each religion teaches us. It's love, showering immense love on fellow beings. But again, would we listen to someone preaching love?
And there come the stories in the Holy books and the miracles, God coming to Earth and everything, simply love served in a plate with salt and pepper. We tend to go to action movies rather than critically acclaimed artistic movies because in an action movie a moral is conveyed, along with sugar and spice and everything nice. Same with the God stories, all morals of life are told in the right way and regarding sins and judgment days, it's as simple as the civil and criminal laws of modern days where you fear punishment and stay away from illegal activities.
Then how is one able to find out mistakes in the Holy Books and God stories? Come on guys, there will always be flaws even in cleverly written screenplays. Scholars of those days were smart to write stories of super heroes (God) in order to regulate the human nature, but they weren't smart enough compared to man of today's world. Of course, yes, intelligent quotient increases from generation to generation and I would dare that humans today are definitely intelligent than Valmiki or Moses or Muhammad Nabi.
Another hypothetical situation; if your beloved God comes in front of you today, asks you to leave all your possessions and wealth, and continue living, says he will be taking care of you from the next day, will you be ready to do it? Even if you are going to believe he is the God, I can bet that you won't do it.
So, exactly what God for us is a bodyguard, a watchman at the gates of our lives, who should take care of all the sorrows entering our life. Humans, always foolishly self-centered, start abusing their very Almighty if they start facing problems in their lives. Funny, isn’t it?
So, am I trying to prove that I'm the most brilliant person in the world by denying the existence of God and putting to shame everything written in the Holy books? No. I'm just trying to explain that God is just a concept, not a super power, a misunderstood concept. You can look into all the Holy books and the morals each religion teaches us. It's love, showering immense love on fellow beings. But again, would we listen to someone preaching love?
And there come the stories in the Holy books and the miracles, God coming to Earth and everything, simply love served in a plate with salt and pepper. We tend to go to action movies rather than critically acclaimed artistic movies because in an action movie a moral is conveyed, along with sugar and spice and everything nice. Same with the God stories, all morals of life are told in the right way and regarding sins and judgment days, it's as simple as the civil and criminal laws of modern days where you fear punishment and stay away from illegal activities.
Then how is one able to find out mistakes in the Holy Books and God stories? Come on guys, there will always be flaws even in cleverly written screenplays. Scholars of those days were smart to write stories of super heroes (God) in order to regulate the human nature, but they weren't smart enough compared to man of today's world. Of course, yes, intelligent quotient increases from generation to generation and I would dare that humans today are definitely intelligent than Valmiki or Moses or Muhammad Nabi.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Exploring the Concept GOD - III
Religions are just like our languages, formed according to the culture and nature of a group of people living together. It's pretty obvious that all Gods are just man's imagination, just by looking at the images given to Gods in each religion. We can argue that Gods come in the form of humans to prove that they are Gods. Good joke. Jesus, being Son of Lord, came in the form of human and tried to prove that he is the Son of Lord and wanted to purify the humans, but sadly none believed. If Jesus really had come to Earth and if he had really wanted to prove he is the God to save the humans, he could have easily come as a talking elephant or a talking lion, by which he could have easily proved that he is actually a God. Some may start laughing, but if you can stop for a moment and think, you will understand.
Again, on the point of Gods coming to Earth, why these clever writers haven't written anything about God's going to other planets? Okay, there are no living beings in other planets (that too confines to our limited knowledge). Point. But according to all religions God created the Earth and filled it with air and then created human beings. Then why it is not to other planets? He can even create the atmosphere in Jupiter and start creating people like us.
Man, who feared natural phenomenon such as darkness, thunder, lightning, climatic changes, was unable to find an explanation for these then, believed that everything is controlled by someone superior to him. It's just a psychological thing, just to stop worrying about these and to stop thinking; he convinced himself saying this is beyond my knowledge and some power controls it and carried on his business. You can correlate this with any of our day-to-day activities. Don't we all do this? If something keeps on bothering us for whom we are unable to find an answer, don't we at one point convince ourselves that this is beyond my control, so that we can carry on our routine peacefully?
And having said that a superior power is ruling, man gave an image to God, and yes, he thought God would be a super human. All Gods, or the image given to Gods by man, resemble human images only but with occult powers. In the world of elephants, Allah or Zeus won't be the God instead an elephant with 10 heads and 20 trunks would be the God. Man too thought the same way. You can easily correlate this with Superman or other super heroes of comic books, where a savior of the world is a human but endowed with super powers.
Again, on the point of Gods coming to Earth, why these clever writers haven't written anything about God's going to other planets? Okay, there are no living beings in other planets (that too confines to our limited knowledge). Point. But according to all religions God created the Earth and filled it with air and then created human beings. Then why it is not to other planets? He can even create the atmosphere in Jupiter and start creating people like us.
Man, who feared natural phenomenon such as darkness, thunder, lightning, climatic changes, was unable to find an explanation for these then, believed that everything is controlled by someone superior to him. It's just a psychological thing, just to stop worrying about these and to stop thinking; he convinced himself saying this is beyond my knowledge and some power controls it and carried on his business. You can correlate this with any of our day-to-day activities. Don't we all do this? If something keeps on bothering us for whom we are unable to find an answer, don't we at one point convince ourselves that this is beyond my control, so that we can carry on our routine peacefully?
And having said that a superior power is ruling, man gave an image to God, and yes, he thought God would be a super human. All Gods, or the image given to Gods by man, resemble human images only but with occult powers. In the world of elephants, Allah or Zeus won't be the God instead an elephant with 10 heads and 20 trunks would be the God. Man too thought the same way. You can easily correlate this with Superman or other super heroes of comic books, where a savior of the world is a human but endowed with super powers.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Exploring the Concept GOD - II
Okay. Me being a Hindu know lot more about Hinduism and am going to give one more example from this religion itself. Temples. Have you ever thought why just a statue of stone is strongly protected with huge walls and strong doors?
Actually, temples are not just temples; they had multiple faces during ancient times. The word temple, Kovil in Tamil, is formed coining two words. Ko - King and il, short form of illam - house. Temples were Kings' houses. It was a treasury,; it was an armory and a refugee camp during times of natural calamities or war times. Some temples even have secret passages/tunnels which help diplomats to escape during wars. Have you, Hindus, come across this line, "Sivan kovil sothu kula nasam"? (Asset of Lord Shiva's temple leads to the destruction of your generation). Can you imagine why a God be destructive for taking something from his temple; say a flower, as token of love?
Actually, this saying originates from Tanjore Brahadeeswarar (Shiva) Temple. As I mentioned in the earlier paragraph, temples were treasuries during ancient periods. So, this being the largest temple, the largest treasury, anyone stealing the property from this Shiva Temple, he and his generation would be destroyed by the King.
If you are skeptical, you can search "Curse of the Pharaohs" in Wikipedia. It's a myth or belief that any person who disturbs the Mummy is placed under a curse. It's obvious that these are just imaginary fences in order to protect the wealth buried along with the Mummy. You can also search Curse of Tutankhamen, a Pharaoh, whose tomb was the wealthiest one.
The flagstaff (kodimaram) in temples is actually a lightning rod. Usually the flagstaffs stand as tall as the temple's tower in order to conduct the lightning or thunder. Have you heard that in many villages people are not allowed to build a house taller than tower of the village temple? This is to protect the taller house from thunder or lightning.
These are the facts and this explanation pertains to ancient and medieval periods where knowledge of physics was less to zero. Do you think a villager, who is an illiterate listen if it's scientifically explained to him not to build a tall house without a lightning rod?
One more example of why Muslims condemn pork.
Islam prohibits blood of any type. A chemical analysis of blood shows that it contains an abundance of uric acid, a chemical substance which can be injurious to health. Uric acid is excreted as a waste product and in fact, 98% of the body's uric acid is extracted from the blood by the kidneys and removed through urination. While killing other animals for flesh, the wielder of the knife cuts on the throat of the animal leaving other organs and veins of the body undamaged. This causes death of the animal by total loss of blood rather than an injury to any vital organ.
Were the organs, example the heart, the brain, or the liver crippled or damaged, the animal could die immediately and its blood would stay in the veins and diffuse through the flesh. This implies that the animal flesh would be contaminated with uric acid and therefore very poisonous.
Apart from Quran prohibiting consumption of pork, Bible too prohibits eating pork in Leviticus, Chapter 11, Verse 8. Do you know that the pig cannot be slaughtered at the neck for it doesn't have a neck, according to its anatomy?
So, a Muslim reasons that if a pig was to be slaughtered and fit for human consumption, the Creator would have provided it with a neck. Whereas the fact remains, a pig's biochemistry excretes only 2% of its total uric acid content and 98% remains as an integral part of the body. So, now, if a pig has to be slaughtered, it has to be killed only by cutting any other part of its body, leaving all the uric acid in its veins itself, and ending up the flesh becoming poisonous.
These are just simple examples on simple things and I can keep on explaining all the scientific reasons behind each and every custom in every religion.
Actually, temples are not just temples; they had multiple faces during ancient times. The word temple, Kovil in Tamil, is formed coining two words. Ko - King and il, short form of illam - house. Temples were Kings' houses. It was a treasury,; it was an armory and a refugee camp during times of natural calamities or war times. Some temples even have secret passages/tunnels which help diplomats to escape during wars. Have you, Hindus, come across this line, "Sivan kovil sothu kula nasam"? (Asset of Lord Shiva's temple leads to the destruction of your generation). Can you imagine why a God be destructive for taking something from his temple; say a flower, as token of love?
Actually, this saying originates from Tanjore Brahadeeswarar (Shiva) Temple. As I mentioned in the earlier paragraph, temples were treasuries during ancient periods. So, this being the largest temple, the largest treasury, anyone stealing the property from this Shiva Temple, he and his generation would be destroyed by the King.
If you are skeptical, you can search "Curse of the Pharaohs" in Wikipedia. It's a myth or belief that any person who disturbs the Mummy is placed under a curse. It's obvious that these are just imaginary fences in order to protect the wealth buried along with the Mummy. You can also search Curse of Tutankhamen, a Pharaoh, whose tomb was the wealthiest one.
The flagstaff (kodimaram) in temples is actually a lightning rod. Usually the flagstaffs stand as tall as the temple's tower in order to conduct the lightning or thunder. Have you heard that in many villages people are not allowed to build a house taller than tower of the village temple? This is to protect the taller house from thunder or lightning.
These are the facts and this explanation pertains to ancient and medieval periods where knowledge of physics was less to zero. Do you think a villager, who is an illiterate listen if it's scientifically explained to him not to build a tall house without a lightning rod?
One more example of why Muslims condemn pork.
Islam prohibits blood of any type. A chemical analysis of blood shows that it contains an abundance of uric acid, a chemical substance which can be injurious to health. Uric acid is excreted as a waste product and in fact, 98% of the body's uric acid is extracted from the blood by the kidneys and removed through urination. While killing other animals for flesh, the wielder of the knife cuts on the throat of the animal leaving other organs and veins of the body undamaged. This causes death of the animal by total loss of blood rather than an injury to any vital organ.
Were the organs, example the heart, the brain, or the liver crippled or damaged, the animal could die immediately and its blood would stay in the veins and diffuse through the flesh. This implies that the animal flesh would be contaminated with uric acid and therefore very poisonous.
Apart from Quran prohibiting consumption of pork, Bible too prohibits eating pork in Leviticus, Chapter 11, Verse 8. Do you know that the pig cannot be slaughtered at the neck for it doesn't have a neck, according to its anatomy?
So, a Muslim reasons that if a pig was to be slaughtered and fit for human consumption, the Creator would have provided it with a neck. Whereas the fact remains, a pig's biochemistry excretes only 2% of its total uric acid content and 98% remains as an integral part of the body. So, now, if a pig has to be slaughtered, it has to be killed only by cutting any other part of its body, leaving all the uric acid in its veins itself, and ending up the flesh becoming poisonous.
These are just simple examples on simple things and I can keep on explaining all the scientific reasons behind each and every custom in every religion.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Exploring the Concept "God" - I
Thought of doing some serious blogging this time on one of my favorite topics, atheism. With all due respect to the numerous so-called Gods in all religions, this post is not intended to hurt anyone's feelings but if it still hurts, I would have to remind you that truth always hurts. So, you can either be ready to pin roses on my shirt or throw some bricks on my face.
First of all, what makes us believe in God? Utter selfishness. Yes, you read it right. Think about this. Are we the only ones living in this whole gigantic Universe? Given the billions and billions of solar systems and billions of galaxies, do you still think that there won't be a SINGLE living being in any other planet? This whole notion of we, the humans, are so special makes us to think that the Earth is so special and it was selected as the nest for us by God himself, and this same notion gives way to the universal question, Why Earth? Why Us?
If you come out of this selfishness, you can realize that we are the tiny ones in this Universe and we are just a spec in the crowd. Many can say humans cannot exist in other planets because there is no oxygen. Oh, yeah? How can you think that people living in other planets are going to be humans? Who said only oxygen can give life to any being? We all know plants breathe only carbon dioxide. What if there are aliens in other planets with the tissues of plants, living by breathing carbon dioxide?
If you look into the Holy books of all religions, all of them talk only about Earth, Sun and the Moon, saying God created Earth, so and so. For argument's sake, let's say, God created Earth. If these writers were clever enough to find when and how did God create Earth, who were able to find the very existence of the Almighty God, why weren't they talking about the other planets and how they were created and when?
The fact is that everything in the Holy books are imaginary and Earth was the only known planet to the reach of Human's knowledge when these Holy books were written and they were selfish enough to think that they were the only ones in the Universe.
We have read about all the miracles of all the Gods of the world. Okay, let's see. Jesus Christ, the savior of human kind, as the historians say, had done a lot of miracles. Now are there any evidences that any of the miracles that happened in India or Greece? The reason I am taking Greece and India is these are the world's oldest countries. Of course, you can argue that Jesus was born in Bethlehem, away from India. But given he is the God, why is his miracles and Resurrection are confined only to those premises? If it's a fact that Jesus really resurrected, there would have been lots of Christians in India whereas the fact remains that Christianity in India dates back only to the 4th century. Coming to Hinduism, Rama ruled the WORLD for 11,000 years after his tenure of exile. Then, how is it possible that Hinduism is confined only to India?
These questions may seem silly to some of those who are reading this, but if you take a closer look, you can understand the point I'm trying to make. We grew up listening to these stories that our elders learnt from these Holy books, word of mouth about these miracles, which eventually making most of us theists. But if you analyze them scientifically, you can understand that these are just Harry Potter books. Of course, these books and stories teach us morals. That's the very point I am also making, we won't listen to people giving advice to us, but if it's mixed with God, we will tend to follow it.
Thirukkural is the greatest guide for lifestyle, wealth, politics, love, friendship and sex. But how many of us follow the morals told in each verse? Yes, you can say it's totally 1330 and I don't get to read it, but do you follow at least the verses you learnt in school? But there are still lots of homes where they don't play snake and ladder, just because gambling lead to destruction of a kingdom in Mahabharata.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Watch has arrived but....
Santa's wife was expecting & the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy & was looking forward to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city & had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father-in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son, but in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father-in-law to write "the watch has arrived" & he will understand that the son is born.
The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl. Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.. If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes "watch has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened, but being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution & sends the telegram.
Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".
The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl. Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do.. If he writes "the watch has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes "watch has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened, but being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution & sends the telegram.
Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads "The watch has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".
Never try to outsmart a woman
1. Women Are Smarter Than Men
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man", he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars". The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
2. Women's Revenge
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No", she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.
3. Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".
4. Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men". The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
5. Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee".
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee".
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me".
So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS".
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man", he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars". The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
2. Women's Revenge
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No", she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.
3. Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".
4. Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men". The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
5. Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee".
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee".
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me".
So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS".
Birds and Bees (Modern Version)
DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a Software Engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO .Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to up load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!
His dad, who is a Software Engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO .Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to up load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!
Management Course (No Offence Intended)
Lesson 6: 6-Lesson Management Course
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Management Course (No Offence Intended)
Lesson 5: 6-Lesson Management Course
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Management Course (No Offence Intended)
Lesson 4: 6-Lesson Management Course
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Management Course (No Offence Intended)
Lesson 3: 6-Lesson Management Course
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
Management Course (No Offence Intended)
Lesson 2: 6-Lesson Management Course
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Management Course (No Offence Intended)
Lesson 1: 6-Lesson Management Course
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel & stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 & leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel & stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 & leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
India is still a developing country
The Ant and The Grasshopper
Old Story:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
New Indian Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .
Mayawati states this as 'injustice' done on Minorities.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven & Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) .
Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.
Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions in Government Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV, BBC, CNN.
Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
CPM calls it the 'Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden'
Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later...
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,
100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ,
...AND
As a result of losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers, India is still a developing country...!!
Old Story:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
New Indian Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .
Mayawati states this as 'injustice' done on Minorities.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven & Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) .
Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.
Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions in Government Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV, BBC, CNN.
Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
CPM calls it the 'Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden'
Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later...
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,
100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ,
...AND
As a result of losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers, India is still a developing country...!!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Company Policy Effective August 2009
Dress Code
1. It is advised that U come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see U wearing Prada shoes & carrying a Gucci bag,! we assume U are doing well financially & therefore do not need a raise.
2. If U dress poorly, U need to learn to manage your money better, so that U buy nicer clothes, & therefore U do not need a raise.
3. If U dress just right, U are right where U need to be & therefore U do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If U are able to go to the doctor, U are able to come to work.
Annual Leave
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing U can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow U to work through your lunch hour & subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, & a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank U for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation & input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management.
Prison Vs. Work
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside Bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside Bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Ingleees!!!
Please go thru this at your own risk cos if you forget English after reading this and lose your job, I won't assume any responsibility.
[click image for larger view]
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